WRONG 'UNS

One day on the morning India plays cricket you will switch on the TV and a scroll will flash:"Breaking News: Sachin flouts rules, has aloo parathas for breakfast. Trainer furious,players envious!"

News about cricket on TV is no longer about runs and wickets. It is about packaging gone potty. About international captains dressed up in medieval armour for the most
tasteless advertisements in the history of advertisements,about Sidhuisms, about nailing the "guilty" at the end of play, analysis programmes called "Silly Point", and anchors cutting live to reporters with brain-bogglers-"XYZ has just got a century. Hame bataaiye, what are his thoughts at this moment?" ("F***in'hell, just saved my a**.")

Then there is the meaningless micro-live coverage: the BCCI's working committee meetings, its team selections and now the movement of the cricketers before a big game. Well-coiffed men and women report live from outside hotels breathlessly announcing that the team bus is about to leave for the stadium. No one has yet hired a helicopter to track them to the ground but you never know. As things stand, the breakfast buffet is the next frontier. "What's it going to be for Bhajji today-skimmed milk or full cream? SMS us your answers, win a life-time supply of Amul Taaza tetrapacks."

Live cricket today is seven hours of action, in extreme close-up, direct to your living room. All other punditry on the idiot box is superflous unless there is a spin on it. Today there is more spin, less cricket. The idea of a day's play throwing up a "mujrim" is toathesome because we live in a country where real mujrims sit in government. Get a grip, everybody.

All is, of course, rationalised by the tyranny of the TRP, the need to grab eyeballs. So players of varying capabilities, agendas and IQS, cast as impartial gurus, prattle on for hours.No wonder the entire circus goes ballistic, looking for "mujrims" when India loses. No victories, no feel-good, no feel good, no ratings, no ratings,no ads,no ads, no moolah. And you thought facing the new ball against Australia was tough. Try turning sport into showbiz and we'll see how those Aussies do.

In keeping with flavour of the sleazon, the day a spycam is planted on the team bus or in the dressing room doesn't look too far away. Tip for Team India: mind your language, guys, and work on those abs.